Sunday, November 10, 2013

Scrambled Thoughts

I have had something that has been bothering me for weeks now.  And I've been having a hard time collecting my thoughts to have them make sense to myself.  I have had a life struggle for probably the last 2 years.  Some of it, ok most of it, was brought on because I made some poor choices.  I have 2 children now and I love them more than anything.  Even when they wake me up earlier than I want.  Some of these poor choices that I made had 100% good motivation behind them.  They were still wrong.  Some of these choices appeared like it was going to work.  Some of these choices were just plain stupid. Now, that I am finally seeing much clearer, I look back at my choices and am overtaken with the guilt of how stupid I could possibly be!  How could I not have known that these things would happen and I would end up crushed mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  Not only was I dealing with my own guilt, I felt like everyone was looking at me and judging me.  It took months for me to be able to go to the grocery store without having pangs of panic.  It took even longer to genuinely laugh.  I had to listen to a comedy station on my phone to put me to sleep because I couldn't handle the noise of the silence and the fact that I was incredibly alone and if I really gave in and thought about the situation I was now in, that the grief and guilt would become so overwhelming I wouldn't be able to wake myself up from it. 

The thing is, that we don't know what other people's inner struggle is.  We don't know what kind of situation they are in.  You see a woman and know she is in an abusive relationship and think she is stupid for staying.  Well, it's is such a complex thing.  You become completely dependent and the abuser and you really do feel that you have no way out.  That, even though you were smart and independent at one time, no longer know how to problem solve.  No longer think you can figure things out on your own.  You no longer feel like an adult.  It's like someone has completely reprogrammed your brain and you don't realize it until you have had a light bulb moment and 10 seconds of bravery and that's all it takes to realize you are capable of taking your life back.

I get really tired of people being so ignorant of the fact that life does indeed happen to some and that it doesn't always work out for you.  That life is sometimes a daily struggle.  And judging a person because they maybe have 3 kids and is having difficulty providing for them doesn't mean that they are sluts and should never have had kids.  Life happens.  When we have good intentions, thought it through and it looks like it was destined to work out, or if we are good people.  Everyone's first choice is to judge others.  Everyone's first thought is to stereotype and believe that stereotypes are 100% valid 100% of the time.  Guess what?  Sometimes, life shits on you and you couldn't dodge it this time.  And when a person is attempting to work on things and better themselves, the last thing they need is for another person to shit on them by saying stupid things and judging them because the solution seems to simple.  The solution, although spoken seems easy, acted out is complex.  It's a battle to overcome on the daily.  Instead of insulting and assuming that we know what is going on inside someone else's life, why can't we offer a smile?  Why can't we offer words of encouragement?  Even silence is better than offering criticism, stupid sayings that are ignorant, and judgment. 

No, my thoughts aren't flowing and I'm sure when I started writing I thought they would come together.  But my main point, is to love.  Don't be so quick to judge.  Take the time to get to know someone.  I'm not saying that you have to be stupid and get taken advantage of, but to simply love.  I was listening to Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror" last night with my kids.  And even though this man led a questionable lifestyle, this song has a lot of truth in it.  No one is perfect.  And until we take a look at ourselves and improve from the inside out, then you cannot expect that of anyone else.  And I made myself a promise to instill that into my kids and myself.  What can I do today to make myself a better person?  What can I do for someone else to make them better?